


Bring Biscuits

by faerymorstan



Series: Biscuitverse [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: And Failing Miserably, Crack, Episode: s03e02 The Sign of Three, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Johnlockary - Freeform, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Post-The Sign of Three, Pregnancy, Sexting, Texting, The Sign of Three Spoilers, or at least trying to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerymorstan/pseuds/faerymorstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Mary, and Sherlock text. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHOCOLATE.

**Author's Note:**

> Why yes, the title is a [Lorem Ipsum](http://archiveofourown.org/series/21292) reference! *tips hat to Saathi* *brings biscuits*
> 
> It's crack, people. Pure, texty crack. Set after "The Sign of Three".

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to a conference, and everyone goes bananas.

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Miss you. Miss your cock.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **Lucky you brought it with you. Did you forget? Big suitcase, inside pocket, leopard print bag.**  
 **Miss you too.**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Fuck. Thought I was texting Sherlock.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **HA**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Yeah very funny**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **HAHAHA**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Shut up**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **Or what?**  
 **You'll marry me?**  
 **AHAHAHAHAHA**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Oh sod off**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
FWD: From: John Watson: Miss you. Miss your cock.  
 **Think John got confused again... ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **Mary informs me that you miss my cock.--SH**  
 **Can't oblige you at the moment but she packed you hers.--SH**  
 **Big suitcase, inside pocket, leopard print bag.--SH**

From: John Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **WILL YOU SHUT UP**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **Batteries are in the small pocket, leopard print bag.--SH**  
 **Do use them. Might improve your mood.--SH**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan  
 **THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY MOOD**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **Course not, love. Have a wank. See you in the morning.**  
 **Oh! Batteries are in the little pocket inside the bag, the leopard print one--don’t remember if you knew that.**

From: John Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **GOODNIGHT MARY**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **Nope.--SH**

From: John Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **BUGGER THE LOT OF YOU**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **Don’t think two people constitute a ‘lot’.--SH**  
 **John?--SH**  
 **John????--SH**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Has John texted you in the last ninety seconds?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **What’d you say to him?**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Nothing!--SH**  
 **Why?--SH  
 **What should I say?--SH****  
 **I mean, to fix it.--SH**  
 **If I’ve said something.--SH**  
 **Which I haven’t.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Oh, Sherlock. Calm down. You’re always on edge when he’s away.**  
 **Bet you could do with a bit of a cuddle.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **I do not ‘cuddle’.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Oh, that’s right. Silly me.**  
 **How about instead of cuddling, I come over, and we sit together on the sofa and watch crap telly, and you fall asleep with your head in my lap, and I pet your hair, and you drool all over my favourite jeans?**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **You are unbearable.--SH**  
 **And you barely have a lap anymore.--SH**  
 **Bring biscuits.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Be over by eight.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Chocolate ones.--SH**  
 **Still not convinced Fig Rolls are food.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **You are going to get scurvy and die.**  
 **I’m a nurse.**  
 **I should know.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Chocolate.--SH**  
 **Please.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Oh ho! His Nibs found his manners!**

From: John Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Going to bed. Good night. Miss you.**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Going to bed. Good night. Miss you.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Who’s His Nibs?--SH**  
 **It was only supposed to be the three of us.--SH**  
 **We agreed.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **Sleep well. Hope you found the batteries. ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **Are you done masturbating already?--SH**  
 **You lack either endurance or imagination.--SH**  
 **Possibly both. Will work on them when you return.--SH**  
 **Good night.--SH**

From: John Watson  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **I’m going to kill Sherlock.**  
 **Bare hands.**  
 **Who needs poison?**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: John Watson  
 **You are loved.**  
 **By me.**  
 **In case source of said love was unclear.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **You are a dear. And also His Nibs.**  
 **See you soon, love.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: John Watson  
 **Shh. No murder before bed. Makes you kick yourself awake.**  
 **Going over to Baker Street. You know how Sherlock gets when you leave London.**  
 **Night, love.**

From: John Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Relax. Get some sleep. Love you.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Seriously, what does His Nibs mean?--SH**  
 **Is it some sort of... code?--SH**  
 **I can't solve it. Why can't I solve it?--SH**  
 **Sex has made me _ordinary_ , hasn't it??--SH**  
 ** _God._ This is _awful_.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **Sherlock. Calm down.**  
 **I'd offer to bring my cock, but John has it.**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **CHOCOLATE.--SH**  
 **And I do _not_ drool.--SH**  
 **And you are not unbearable.--SH**  
 **Lovable, even.--SH**  
 **Am not just saying that so you'll bring biscuits.--SH**  
 **Though do in fact bring biscuits.--SH**  
 **And your cock.--SH**  
 **Not the one you sent with John. The other one.--SH**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **That was supposed to be a surprise!**

From: Sherlock Holmes  
To: Mary Morstan Watson  
 **Then surprise me.--SH.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson  
To: Sherlock Holmes  
 **On my way. ;)**


	2. You're Not the Gay Man I Married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary and John are having sex. Or getting ready for work. Either way, Sherlock's protesting. Possibly with fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's texting. It's crackfic. It's 110% for funsies. If you need an OT3 happyplace about now, well, you're welcome here. :)

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Are you awake yet?**

**Wake up.**

**Wake _up_.**

**It’s not that early. Are you having sex?**

**You’re having sex.**

**And I’m not there.**

**ANSWER ME.**

**I’m setting the kitchen table on fire.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson

**John, are you awake? I think Sherlock’s set something on fire.**

**Smells different to the time he lit up the curtains.**

**Maybe the table?**

**Anyway, if you could just ask him to take care of it. He gets so tetchy with me in the mornings.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Girl it.**

***Got it.**

**Damn autocorrect.**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson

**Oh, thank you, John. You’re a dear.**

**Sometimes. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock put out that fire I swear to Hog**

***Hog**

****GOD**

**Bloody goddamn autocorrect**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Mrs. Hudson put you up to this, didn’t she?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**FINE**

 

From: John Watson

To: Martha Hudson

**Done.**

**See you Saturday—I’m still taking you to see your sister, right?**

 

From: Martha Hudson

To: John Watson

**That’s right, dear. See you then.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Morning, darling. No sex over here. Getting ready for work.**

**Taking an age—swear my center of gravity’s changed since yesterday. Twelve more weeks…**

**Best hold off texting John til the coffee’s done. He’s not really awake yet.**

**You’re not signing your texts anymore?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Thought I’d try something new.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**First having sex with me, now not signing your texts?**

**You’re not the gay man I married.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Was never gay, for the record.**

**You _guessed_. I never guess.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Well then. That’s me told. :p**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Not sure what I am, though evidently, I don’t mind getting off with the right people.**

**Of whom there are only two.**

**And they’re being _boring_.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shush. Some of us have to work, Trust Fund.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re quiet all of a sudden. You okay?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Your wife told me not to talk to you until you had your coffee.**

**And she’s making fun of me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ve had my coffee.**

**God, I married the right woman.**

**(And so did you, and if you argue with me, Sherlock Holmes, I will tell Mrs. Hudson what’s under the bathroom sink.)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**You wouldn’t _dare._**

**Wait. What am I saying? You invaded Afghanistan.**

**Not arguing.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good man.**

**Mary and I are off to work. See you Saturday night.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Just heading out, love. See you Saturday xoxo**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Til Saturday.**

**Will be away from Baker Street for remainder of day.**

**May have a fire extinguisher to refill.**


	3. Loin-Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes Mrs. Hudson to visit her sister, Sherlock may or may not have named their baby, and Mary gets the final say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sings* It's craaaaaaack! *jazz hands*
> 
> ETA: 1/11/2014: made minor edits (added one text each to john and sherlock's exchange at the end... it was bothering me from the beginning, but i didn't want to hold up posting for days while i pondered.)

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ve decided what to name our baby.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No you haven’t.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yoohoo! This is Mrs. Hudson on John’s mobile.**

**John says no you haven’t.**

**Also that he is driving and can’t text unless you want us both to die in a fiery crash.**

**Oh dear. That isn’t very cheerful, is it?**

**Oh! Speaking of fire, Sherlock, what in the bloody hell did you do to that kitchen table??**

**That’s coming out of your rent, young man.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**So are either of you even going to ask me about the name?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**You get to name the ones that _you_ expel from _your_ vagina.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**John says no.**

**Well, he said something a bit ruder than that, actually, but I’m editing it for decency’s sake.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I am thoroughly disgusted with you both.**

**I cannot believe that you are content to let my unique genius for naming go to waste.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You named your skull Billy. I’m not letting your names anywhere near my loin-fruit.**

**Loins-fruit?**

**Loin-fruits?**

**Not sure what exactly a ‘loin’ is, or how many of them I have, for that matter.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**John says you named your skull Billy, so he doubts you’re a genius at names.**

**He says the baby’s name is up to Mary, and that she won’t let your names anywhere near her… loin… fruit?**

**Sherlock, what does that even mean?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I want a divorce.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry love, but you aren’t on the paperwork, so you can’t take yourself off it. You’re stuck with us.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**John says good luck with that, drama queen.**

**You really are, you know. A drama queen.**

**Though so is John, to be fair.**

**Anyway Sherlock we’re here now and I’m handing the mobile back to John. Bye!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**If I’m stuck with you, the least you could do is move in with me.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ooo you little shit. This whole conversation was a set-up, wasn’t it?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You cock. I should’ve known this was a set-up.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Hey. Snuck away from Mrs. H and her sister.**

**Hiding in the bathroom. Feel like I’m thirteen and drinking Dad’s whisky at Christmas.**

**Are we standing by the decision we made last night?**

**Anyway, you were brilliant yesterday. Sorry I didn’t make time to tell you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Yes, we are standing by it.**

**And darling, I’m brilliant every day.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, you are. But you talking that kid down til he let you give him his shots—that was amazing.**

**Really thought he’d break everything in the surgery before he’d let us touch him, much less jab him with a bunch of needles.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Hello?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’ve managed skittish before. :)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. Sherlock’s taught me a thing or two, too.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I meant you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Hello?????**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh. Yeah. Well.**

**You were so beautiful, I figured I should at least hear you out. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**And when that was over, you figured you might as well eat me out…**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**A man’s got to know his strengths.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**HELLO?!?!?!**

**Is this thing on??**

**You two paid more attention to me when I was dead.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Should we put him out of his misery?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I don’t know. He made me wait two years…**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You’re awful. Go on. Tell him.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fine.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**“Fine”?!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**“Fine”?!**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry. Yes, Sherlock, we will move in with you.**

**Downstairs bedroom for the nursery, upstairs for the three of us, any of your shit that doesn’t fit in the flat after all that goes to 221C.**

**And if there’s any disagreement about how to child-proof something, Mary and I get the final say.**

**Deal?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I want the middle.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**In bed. When we’re sleeping. I want the middle.**

**Unless I’m staying up with Hamish. Then the middle is hardly logical and I’ll take the side nearest the door.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**HAMISH?**

**No. Absolutely not.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I rather like that, actually.**

**Deal.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Great. You can move in next weekend.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**WE ARE NOT NAMING OUR BABY HAMISH.**

**There is a reason that I don’t tell people what the ‘H’ is for, which is that Hamish is a bloody miserable steaming turd of a mane.**

**NAME**

**JESUS FUCK AUTOCORRECT**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, John. I get the final say. We agreed.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes, John. We agreed.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mrs. Hudson is knocking on the door.**

**She’s worried because I’ve been in here a while and she wants to know if I’m ‘plugged up’.**

**And you two want to name our baby _Hamish_.**

**I am the last sane man in a world gone mad.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Shush. Behave for the rest of your visit, and Sherlock and I will cheer you up later. Take you out to Angelo’s, then who knows? ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mary’s bringing her cocks. Both of them.**

**I will also bring my cock but as it goes with me everywhere that news may not be so exciting to you.**

**_Are_ ** **you plugged up? I can make you something for that. I am a graduate chemist, you know.**

**Also if you are plugged up your arse probably should not have much to do with anyone’s cock, attached or otherwise.**

**(I am trying to think about things more responsibly now that I am going to be helping with Hamish.)**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That is the first and--I can only pray--last time I’ve heard someone mention constipation, anal sex, and fatherhood in a single run of texts.**

**I don’t know whether to be horrified or… horrified.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He doesn’t understand. He’s trying. Be nice.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I’m sorry. I did it wrong.**

**I don’t understand.**

**I am trying.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m fine. Just lollygagging in here so I can chat with you two without having to listen to Mrs. H and her sister swap stories about their boyfriends. I’ll drive her anywhere she wants, but there are some things a man simply cannot hear without courting nightmares.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Don’t be sorry. You’re doing great.**

**After dinner, I’ll prove to you that I find your cock _very_ exciting, even if it does go with you everywhere.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Get out of the loo already. See you tonight!**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Likewise.**

**... John Hamish.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**YOU ARE DEAD TO ME**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Again? Dull.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**AAAAAAAH**


	4. Two Bags of Dicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary bakes bread, Sherlock solves a murder, and John doesn't remember sex toys being _quite_ like this...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely [thatworldinverted](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thatworldinverted/works) for allowing me to tag along on a recent expedition related to this chapter, and also to the ever-wonderful [Saathi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/saathi1013/works) for helping me find and fix the Bit Not Good spots. I am grateful. <3
> 
> Oh, and in case you were wondering: this story? Still crack. ;)

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John and I may be home late. There’s been a murder!**

**Body turned up in a sex shop staff room.**

**Head bashed in, no murder weapon, victim not known to the staff.**

**Meeting Greg there. Will stay in touch.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ugh, how horrible. Poor thing.**

**Know you were itching for a case, though. Glad you’ve got something to keep you occupied.**

**Still at Greg and Molly’s. Molly wanted me to show her how I make my sourdough.**

**We’re going Christmas shopping after. Last chance to make requests!**

**Otherwise you’re at my mercy.**

**You know I’m not above getting you and John matching jumpers.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**As long as they are easy to cleanse of infant effluvia.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Sherlock.**

**I love you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Thank… you?**

 

From: Greg Lestrade

To: Mary Morstan Watson

[File attached: IMG_68205.jpg]

**Thought you might appreciate this.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You spent _that_ long thinking up _that_ answer?**

**Now would be an excellent time to tell me that you love me, too.**

**Just a hint.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I love you, too.**

**Why would lubricant come in flavours?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Greg Lestrade

**AHAHAHAHA**

**Oh my God.**

**Dare I ask?!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**OH.**

**I’m buying chocolate.**

 

From: Greg Lestrade

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Drama Queen there swanned around a corner and pulled John with him without looking where he was going.**

**Walked them straight into a wall of display shelves. They brought down every last one and landed like that...**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Greg Lestrade

**Two bags of dicks felled by a wall of dicks.**

**Fitting, really.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John informs me that I am not allowed to refer to his cock as an ice lolly.**

**Something chocolate flavoured, that’s hard, that goes soft if I lick it enough, that leaves me sticky?**

**_Please._ The man is being pedantic just to irritate me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**God, I haven’t been to one of these shops in ages.**

**Goods are a bit stranger than I remember.**

**In the market for a glass candy cane dildo?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Christ, no. Visions of yeast infections dance in my head.**

**Saw that you and Sherlock showered yourselves with the merchandise.**

**Like Scrooge McDuck swimming in gold, but with cocks.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Greg! Bastard.**

**That was all Sherlock’s fault, I’ll have you know.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Molly and I are heading out. I’ll see you two later.**

**Good luck, darlings. Be safe.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**With what, the murder?**

**Solved it half an hour ago. Barely a three. Can’t believe I left the flat for this.**

**Night shift manager, in the staff lounge, with a frozen dinner.**

**Salisbury steak with veg, though I could be wrong.**

**But I’m not.**

**Victim was killer’s boyfriend. Had been cheating on her for years, came by to keep her company during dinner, ended up confessing, and, well.**

**Crime of passion, unplanned, regretted almost instantaneously.**

**These things usually are.**

**Do keep that in mind when you’re thinking about murdering me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait. So we could have left half an hour ago, but you didn’t bother to tell me that you’d solved the case, because you needed an excuse to faff about in a sex shop without admitting that you actually want to be here?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You know my methods, John. Apply them.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Being a dickhead. I’d say that’s your usual method.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I prefer ‘ice lolly-head’.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m leaving now.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You could kill me, but statistically speaking, you’d regret it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Don’t kill my husband. Either of you.**

**I expect to see both of you, ALIVE, when I get home tonight.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**If you insist. ;)**

**See you later. Tell Molly I say hi.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Tell Molly I still need those intestines we talked about.**

**Have to go. Must talk to Lestrade, and then I have a purchase to make.**

**Laters.**


	5. You Are Horrible and I Am Ignoring You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary goes to work, John gets the milk (again), and Sherlock throws a wobbly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay team, I want to warn you that shit gets a bit more real in this chapter than in the previous ones, but! Everything works out by the chapter's end. It always has, and it always will. This 'verse is a happy place, and I intend to keep it that way.
> 
> Thank you so very much for reading. <3

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Am on break and just had a thought: what about James?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**James who?**

**And how’s work?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Which one?**

**The rare book thief, the murderous chef, or the philandering footballer?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You know about football…?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Instead of Hamish. It’s the English variant, and since John objects so strongly to Hamish…**

**Work’s fine. Keeping busy.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Contrary to what you think of me, I do retain _some_ trifles.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh god yes. That’s brilliant. Amazing.**

**Fan-bloody-tastic, Mary.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**No!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**No, no, no, no.**

**NO.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Because…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**FINE.**

**Go ahead. James it is.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**It’s a fine name, James. Solid. Boring.**

**Just right for a child from a solid, boring, two-parent household.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**‘Who’s that, James?’ ‘Oh, that’s Mum and Dad’s friend Sherlock. He’s not much use, but Mum and Dad haven’t the heart to throw him out, so they keep him ‘round and let him fold serviettes. Bit of a charity case, really.’**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**What. The hell. Are you on about.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John. He’s hurting. Help him.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You have a last name I don’t share, a certificate of marriage I’m not on, and a baby I didn’t make, cannot be a legal parent of, and apparently cannot so much as name.**

**I fail to see how I am anything but superfluous to you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, hurting, got it, but what exactly do you want me to do?**

**I’m still walking back with the groceries.**

**If he’s so worried about being superfluous, he could quit brooding and get the milk once in a while.**

**And he doesn’t even want to change his damn name. He’s just throwing a wobbly.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Darling, I have to get back to work, but I’m sorry you’re hurting and we’ll talk more about this when I get home tonight.**

**I love you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John Watson, don’t you dismiss him like that. Don’t you dare.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ll talk to him when I get home.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Better. And be _nice_ , John.**

**I have to get back to work.**

**I love you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Love you too.**

**And James.**

**Or Hamish.**

**Though “Jamish” has a nice ring to it…**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You are horrible and I am ignoring you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**> : )**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**:p**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hullo darlings. You’re out cold on the sofa. I don’t have the heart to wake you.**

**Seems your, ahem, ‘conversation’ was so urgent that you weren’t able to put the groceries away first, so I took care of it. Think everything is salvageable, even the gelato.**

**Also you both had goose pimples so I put a blanket over you, much as I love the sight of Sherlock sleeping naked and arse-side up.**

**Can’t say I’m convinced that either of you managed a bloody word about your feelings, but if you’ve made up, well.**

**I think I’ve come up with a name that will work for all of us, but I’m keeping it to myself for now as I’ve no secrets from you anymore and I’m feeling a bit naked.**

**I adore you both, but if I sit here any longer with only your rib-kicking son and your horrible snoring for company (HONESTLY you should hear yourselves after you’ve shagged each other to sleep, I’m amazed Mrs. Hudson hasn’t complained) I’m quite sure that I will go mad.**

**Meeting Molly at a movie—will text you when I’m on my way home.**

**Til later, my loves. xoxo**


	6. Kilts and Murder Sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes drinking with Stamford, Mary gets a bit touchy-feely, and Sherlock wishes _someone_ would be the adult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit more explicit than the others. Oops? ^_^

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You two okay? You’ve been quiet tonight.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Quiet? No we haven’t.**

**Actually Mrs. Hudson yelled at us for being too loud.**

**Well, no. First she ran into our bedroom with a frying pan, then she yelled at us for scaring the shit out of her, _then_ she yelled at us for being too loud.**

**Evidently I sound like I am being murdered when Mary is fucking me with her Christmas present and also applying manual stimulation to my cock.**

**I tried to explain to Mrs. Hudson that _little death_ is French for _orgasm_ so it is reasonable to expect some murder sounds in the bedroom but she threw the frying pan at me and left.**

**Mary said we should try to be more considerate about the murder sounds so she screamed into a pillow when it was her turn. I found it very disappointing but at least Mrs. Hudson didn’t throw anything else at us.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That… explains why I haven’t heard from you two, at least.**

**I should take extra hours at the surgery. Pretty sure we owe that woman a cruise.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, still floating in happy orgasmy oxytociny stuff, not feeling chatty yet.**

**Also your son is using my bladder for a trampoline. Rude like his fathers, this one.**

**And yes, John, I apologised to Mrs. Hudson. Profusely.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Mike says hi, by the way.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Tell Mike that his choice of neckwear is frankly alarming. His wife hates his ties but won’t tell him so because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.**

**Don’t know why she’s so worried about hurting his feelings when his ties go around hurting everyone’s eyes.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, no, I’m not telling him that.**

**So much for your resolution to be less rude this year. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I will never understand why some truths are considered rude. Ridiculous.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s all right, love. You’ve got me and Mary to help you out with it.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hullo Mike! Have a pint for me.**

**Anyway, John, Sherlock wouldn’t leave off fussing about in the nursery, so I told him that if he would come upstairs with me, I would make sure that he, well, came.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**God, I want you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I resent the implication that I was ‘fussing about’.**

**Research indicates that nesting is a vital component of properly preparing for parenthood.**

**Indeed there are only five weeks until Mary’s due date and I am not at all convinced that either of you comprehend the urgency of the situation.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Then why are you out drinking with Mike? ;)**

**I’m here in bed all warm and wet and wanting to come again…**

**I want to lie on my side with you behind me and rock my arse against your cock until you’re wild, then slide your cock into my cunt and your fingers over my clit and fuck myself on you until you come inside me.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What, because we’re not panicking like you are?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**If I didn’t know you better, I’d think that you were actually trying to kill me.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I am NOT panicking.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Well, Sherlock was right about orgasms being called little deaths… ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock, you’ve put a sock index in the nursery.**

**I guarantee you that it will literally dissolve the moment that there is an infant in this flat.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh my god.**

**Had to excuse myself to the loo, and let me tell you, it was not a comfortable walk.**

**Working my tongue against the roof of my mouth and pretending it’s your kilt.**

***KILT**

**You know what? I give up.**

**Autocorrect wins.**

**Wet hot tartan sex it is.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John? Mary is having hysterics and she won’t tell me why.**

**Is something wrong?**

**Is this a symptom of some… pregnancy… thing?**

**Should I be worried??**

**The internet says I should be worried.**

**JOHN! Answer me!**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry, sorry, was laughing too hard to text.**

**Mary is fine. We’re all fine.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Darling, you should have told me sooner that you have a kilt kink, I could have done something about it… *devil horns***

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We will never speak of this again.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**The two of you are inexplicably, irredeemably, inexcusably _ridiculous._**

**I am taking what is left of my dignity downstairs to Mrs. Hudson’s to return her frying pan.**

**Someone in this marriage has to be the adult.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That’s a fine plan, darling, but you probably shouldn’t go downstairs with come on your cheeks.**

**And on your chin.**

**And in your hair.**

**Afraid I got a bit touchy-feely after you came.**

**Sorry.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Bugger Mike. Calling a cab. Be home in twenty.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**That’s the first reasonable thing you’ve said all night.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**See you soon, kilt licker. ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**‘Kilt licker’…?!**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll explain before John comes home.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Fascinating. Go on…**


	7. A Woolly and Terrible Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock wakes up early _on purpose_ , John regrets his sartorial life choices, and Mary isn't in labour. Except when she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, we did it! I may add a lil coda later, but for now, here we are. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy. <3

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Nothing?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Not a thing.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Still nothing?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Still nothing.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Anything yet?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, yeah. Baby’s here! He’s the sweetest thing. John and I just love him. Sorry I forgot to text you when I went into labour!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes. Right. Point taken.**

**You would let me know, though?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock. Darling.**

**Due dates are a best guess, not a schedule. I’m fine, the baby’s fine, it’s all fine, and yes, absolutely, the very moment I am actually in actual labour, I will let you know, but it could be today, and it could be tomorrow, and it could be next week…**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right.**

**Sorry.**

**I don’t like that I’m not at home today.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I know. It’s a good case though, yeah?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Very good. At least an eight, possibly a nine. Evidence so far is very promising.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Thought so. Nothing else would’ve dragged you out of the flat so early.**

**John’s on the 7:40. Meet him at the station at twenty to ten, would you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ll be there.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good man. Good luck today. I love you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Take care.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh God. Sherlock left this morning before you were awake.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right, and…?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I just realised that you’re both wearing your jumpers. The matching ones I got you for Christmas.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god.**

**We’re going to look like a couple of twats, aren’t we?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m sorry.**

**I have done a woolly and terrible thing.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I think I could handle the matching, _or_ the dancing reindeer, but the matching, dancing reindeer… **

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m so, _so_ sorry.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Nothing for it now. Sherlock and I will just have to coordinate better in future.**

**Have to admit, I am looking forward to seeing his face when he sees me.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He’s going to be in such a strop…**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, like I said. Looking forward to it. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You are _awful._**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You love awful.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**With all my heart.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Really doesn’t feel right leaving you today.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John, it doesn’t make any sense for you to miss a case for something that might not even happen.**

**Don’t worry about it. Really. Go, solve crime, make sure His Nibs doesn’t run himself into a wall of dicks or what-have-you, and then come home and tell me all about it.**

**And then I’ll tell Sherlock what you told me, and he’ll protest most of it, and I’ll have myself a grand old time. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**A man walks into a wall of dicks once, just once!, and suddenly that’s who he is. The Man Who Brought Down The Dick Wall.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Grapevine says it was the dick wall brought you down.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bloody Greg!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Just saying.**

**I’m off, dear. Molly’s picking me up and we’re going to breakfast, then a movie.**

**Be careful out there. Love you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Love you. Take care.**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Before I go any further, I want to be clear that there is nothing to worry about and everything is fine.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We’re coming straight home.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**But you should probably come straight home.**

**God, you type fast when you have to.**

**What about the case?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Bugger the case.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Are you okay?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, yes, everything’s fine. Good, even.**

**I thought that maybe I was having contractions during breakfast, but I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to get you worked up over nothing.**

**And then I thought that maybe I was having contractions during the movie, but I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to get you worked up over nothing.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You’re in labour.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yep. Still early—I’m at home making bread and watching QI DVDs—but definitely in labour.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**On our way.**

**Can’t wait to see you.**

**That’s from both of us. :)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson, John Watson

**Can you make the one with the chocolate ribbon in?**

**Also I cannot believe that you allowed John out of the house in that hideous jumper.**

**Surely inflicting one phalanx of dancing woollen reindeer on the outside world is more than enough.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sure. :)**

**And I'm _sorry!!_ I didn't put two and two together, you know how it is...**

**Well, John knows how it is, anyway.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John just kicked me. Why did he kick me?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Chocolate ribbon? You don’t make one like that…**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll explain it when you get home, if John doesn’t explain it to you first.**

**And louder. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I do, but I’m not sure you’ve ever seen it.**

**Someone likes to lurk in the kitchen and devour it before it’s even cooled.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson, John Watson

**I do not _lurk._**

**I do very important work in that kitchen, you know.**

**Lives are at stake.**

**_Lives._ **

**That I cannot save if I do not have all the chocolate bread.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**John informs me that I am now done talking and will be home soon to look after you in any way you require.**

**Pretty sure I just worked out why he kicked me, now I think about it.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**All right. Sherlock and I and the godforsaken dancing reindeer are getting on the train.**

**See you soon!**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I hate to ask you this, but if you’re feeling all right, could you text Sherlock?**

**He isn’t saying anything, but he looks a nervous wreck. Might help him relax if he heard from you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Could you text John, if convenient?**

**He isn’t speaking, but he is demonstrating twenty-three distinct tells for anxiety.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Shaun.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**What?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh, Mary.**

**Brilliant _._**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, no, hang on. What are you talking about, both of you?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Our son’s name. Shaun. After both his fathers.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh. Brilliant.**

**Sorry, how’s that…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You’ve combined the first phoneme of my name with the third and fourth of John’s.**

**Neat.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Not just the third phoneme, but the third phoneme the way _you_ say it, Sherlock, with the vowel rounded.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh! Of course. ʃɒn instead of ʃɑn.**

**Mary, you are _fantastic_.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, definitely have to agree with you there. :)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**A cunning linguist, would you say? ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Well, your method of problem-solving doesn’t demonstrate ‘cunning’, exactly.**

**Cleverness, perhaps.**

**Education in a specialised field, yes.**

**Cunning… no.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock Holmes, I love you so very, very much.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**… Okay?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**He means ‘thank you’.  And that he loves you, too.**

**Nearly back to London. Can’t wait to see you.**

**And Shaun.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

 **We’ll be here.** **♥**

 

*

From: John Watson

To: Greg Lestrade, Molly Hooper, Martha Hudson

[File attached: allfourofus.jpg]

**:)**


	8. A Tiny Shit Volcano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Mary go on a sex weekend--erm, 'holiday'--and Sherlock does important parent-type-things with Shaun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OT3 crack: now with baby! *jazz hands*
> 
> Spoilers for (and not exactly compliant with) series three, but I imagine that you know that by now.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Good morning, spouses.**

**How’s your sex weekend coming?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s not a sex weekend, Sherlock, it’s a holiday.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Your husband just gave me the best eating-out of my life.**

**I think my hands left dents in the headboard.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**… you were saying?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I cannot fathom how either of you are capable of having a libido _and_ a three-month-old.**

**I haven’t so much as wanked since Shaun was born.**

**Not entirely sure that I’ve slept, either.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, is *that* why you’re always in such a mood?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mood? What mood? I’m as pleasant as I’ve ever been.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Exactly. ;)**

**How are you? How’s Shaun?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Absolutely _not_ missing either of you, and perfect, respectively.**

**No. Those are lies, and we agreed that we are not telling those anymore.**

**Not big ones, in any event.**

**Though little ones about things such as who ate the chocolate bread: those are fine, yes?**

**ANYWAY I am miserable without you and 99.9% certain that you are never coming home.**

**Also I think our son is defective.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You absolute cock! I _knew_ Mrs. Hudson would never have taken it. **

**And of course we will come home. Sunday, just like we planned.**

**And why do you think Shaun is ‘defective’?!**

**Oh. Obvious. You had a bad diaper change, didn’t you?**

****

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**He urinated, so I put him on the changing table and removed his diaper.**

**Then he urinated on the changing table.**

**And his clothes.**

**And me.**

**So I wiped him off, and cleaned the changing table, and changed his clothes, and mine.**

**At which point he defecated on the changing table.**

**And his clothes.**

**And mine.**

**So I cleaned the changing table, and gave him a bath (which was an ordeal of its own now that he kicks off of things such as, for instance, the sides of the tub), and changed his clothes, and mine, and put him back him on the changing table.**

**Which he proceeded to shit on—as well as his clothes—and me—before I could get his diaper on.**

**There was shit on everything and I do not know why.**

**He is asleep on my chest now.**

**And clean.**

**He weighs not even one stone, yet he has me pinned to the sofa for fear of disturbing him and precipitating some sort of fecal catastrophe.**

**I am wearing my fifth-best dressing gown in case of spontaneous eruption.**

**I am the second-smartest man in London and I have been bested by a tiny shit volcano.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait, hang on. ‘Second-smartest’? Are you actually admitting that Mycroft is smarter than you?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**John, there is no thrill in victory and no sting in defeat when one has spent the morning covered in another’s excrement.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Poor darling. I don’t think you’ve had to deal with one of those yet.**

**He always seems to save them for me and John.**

**Welcome to the elite society of shat-upon residents of 221B.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ha. You were overdue, you bastard.**

**When it comes to diapers, nothing surprises me anymore.**

**Pretty sure if Shaun crapped fire, I’d just put it out and go back to sleep.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I really do miss you.**

**Even though you’ve been gone for less than twenty-four hours.**

**You’re smart, and you smell safe when you don’t wear perfume, and you yell at me when I lie to you, and you know what it’s like to kill someone and not mind, and you know what it’s like to kill someone and mind, and you love me even though I know those things too, and you made Shaun and let me take care of him even though I didn’t, and when I can’t shut off the memories from when I was away, you hold me and you don’t make me explain why.**

**Is this what it’s like to be normal?**

**Having feelings, I mean. And sharing them.**

**It’s… unsettling.**

**I should take a case soon.**

**I’ll text Gil when you get back.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Really? You wouldn’t, say, phone the paediatrician?**

**Sleep deprivation seems to have deleted your medical training, John.**

**Also I’m not a person when you aren’t here.**

**I don’t know how to explain it better than that.**

**I’m sorry.**

**I’m trying to say more nice things to you and Mary so I already have the habit by the time Shaun can understand us.**

**It’s hard, though.**

**Particularly with you.**

**I don’t know why.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God. Sherlock.**

**I love you and I wish I were there to hold you right now.**

**Giving us encrypted mobiles was the best thing Mycroft ever did, I swear.**

**But who the fuck is Gil?**

**OH.**

**Sherlock, his name is Greg.**

**GREG.**

**G-R-E-G.**

**Put it in your mind palace, and DON’T delete it this time.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock.  
**

**Jesus.  
**

**You’re doing great, all right?  
**

**Nothing to be sorry for.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson **  
**

**Also I lied earlier.  
**

**Shaun _is_ perfect.  
**

**All parents say that about their children, and I have always found it utterly nauseating.**

**As the world’s only consulting detective, however, I am confident that I have observed, deduced, and eliminated the impossible, and I am forced to face the improbable yet certain conclusion: our son is perfect.**

**He was alone in his crib earlier, making sad little babbling sounds. When I came in, he looked me in the eyes and smiled.**

**And cooed.**

**_Cooed._ **

**He is so wonderful that I find myself forgiving you two short blond people for making us a short blond baby.**

**I would have liked it if his appearance had left his paternity even the slightest bit ambiguous.**

**Also I feel compelled to add that he is now awake and meticulously examining his hands.**

**Wonder if he got into Mrs. Hudson’s herbal soothers…**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Right. Mary and I talked, and we’re coming home right away.**

**Well. Maybe not *right* away.**

**This is a really nice bed, and I’m not in a hurry to turn down uninterrupted sex.**

**But we’ll be home today.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**What?! No!**

**I was joking about the herbal soothers!**

**I have been watching him, I swear.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Darling, it’s nothing to do with the herbal soothers.**

**We miss you and Shaun, and we’d rather wake up at home tomorrow.**

**With you.**

**That’s all.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh.**

**In that case, bring biscuits.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Chocolate?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**That question does not deserve the dignity of a response.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Chocolate it is.**

**See you tonight.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hug Shaun for us, would you?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**He just kicked me in the ribs.**

**We’ll have to work on his hug technique.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Reminds me of someone I know, actually.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes John that’s fascinating but I am very busy doing important parent-type things so your reminiscing will have to wait.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Works for me.**

**Looks like our hot wife is trying to get my attention.**

**Better go. ;)**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**^_^**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Biscuits.**

**CHOCOLATE.**

**Don’t forget!**

**Enjoy your murder sounds.**

**And/or kilt-licking.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Way ahead of you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I'm turning off my phone.**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [allfourofus.jpg](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1940913) by [dee-light (DraloreShimare)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraloreShimare/pseuds/dee-light)
  * [Biscuitverse Cover Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2094336) by [consultingpiskies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultingpiskies/pseuds/consultingpiskies)




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